Emotionally drained

Yesterday was physically draining and today was emotionally draining. I noticed Cohen was feeling really warm when I left Amy's house yesterday. I took his temp and it wasn't too high-100.3-but I have him some Tylenol because it was higher than normal. He usually runs in the 96-97 category like me. Later that night, his head still felt really warm-hot actually. So I took his temp again under the arm-100.3 still. I hesitated to call the pediatrician on call but knew I would feel better if I did. The thermometer was indicating he had a fever but not too much of one but his head felt like it was on fire! I decided to take a rectal temp since it is more acurate and the ped would ask what it was if I decided to call-100.5 still not much. I ended up calling though I'm not sure why-maybe just to feel better to have someone else tell me that he may feel hot but the thermometer says he's not hot enough for concern. I found out that I could give him more Tylenol since his weight had bumped him up into the next category but he was asleep by the time I found out this information.

When he woke up this morning, he was still feeling warm so I fed him breakfast and gave him the increased amount of Tylenol before he went down for his morning nap. When he woke up, the fever had broke. He was sweating and his crib sheet was moist so I was relieved but he was pretty cranky. All day, he just wasn't content. We would play and it was almost as if he was on a short fuse. He would get irritated really quickly, he would start crying for no apparant reason, he was clingy, he would pout his lip and cry his hurt cry. I let him nurse as much as he wanted knowing that if he was coming down with something, the antibodies in the milk would do him good but also because this is his comfort. I didn't know what was wrong..still don't. I know he's teething and I can imagine that pain but my instinct tells me it's an ear infection. The doctor couldn't see it and said his ears looked fine but I've been there before. A few years back I went into Urgent Care with an ear ache-I knew it was an ear infection-but much to my surprise, the doctor looked in there and said it was fine. I questioned him and asked why it hurt so bad but he said it was clear so I left. Well, the next morning, I was running my route (I delivered newspapers) and the pain started again and continued to intensify. My ear started ringing and I just prayed that I would get through my route or I would lose it. I got to my mom's house (she watched Braedon for me) and I was in tears and so much pain I couldn't see. She grabbed the heating pad and told me to lay on it but the pain got to be unbearable so she took me to the ER. I was rushed in and the doctor said my ear was so infected my eardrum was about to burst. So either the Urgent Care doctor was an idiot or it festered up that fast. That situation makes me wonder if the same thing is happening or happened with Cohen. I took him in before the infection was bad enough to see and now it's flaring up more causing more pain. I could be wrong..it could just be the teething.

When Cohen went down for his afternoon nap, I sent Braedon upstairs for quiet time. He doesn't like taking a "nap" and I know he's getting too old for a nap but he still needs his quiet time. Most of the time he ends up falling asleep anyway. While they were upstairs, I had some much needed time to myself. I started thinking about my life. I love being a stay at home mom but it's hard...really hard. I've always wanted to stay home with my kids, I wanted to be the "soccer mom"..You know, that cool mom your friends always had-the one that took their kids to school, picked them up from school, took them to practice or whatever, had the snacks for the team, etc. I didn't have that mom. My mom was a single mom and isn't it strange how you don't appreciate your parents until you are a parent yourself? You don't truly understand the sacrifice until you've been there. I remember as a kid, being so mad at my mom when we were the LAST kids to be picked up from daycare and when I was late for softball practice because she didn't get home in time, when I couldn't go to a friends house because I couldn't get there since she was at work, and when I couldn't stay after school to play and had to go straight home. When Braedon was in daycare, there were many times when he was the LAST one to be picked up-I hated it and it made me cry that night because I remember the feeling. Those were the days that I just couldn't leave work on time. I had to get things done or risk loosing my job. There were days that he was late for practice because I had to fight rush hour traffic all the way to daycare then all the way home. I didn't want that for my boys but we couldn't afford otherwise. God must have known I was miserable. He knew I hated dropping Braedon off at daycare, he knew I couldn't stand the thought of putting Cohen in daycare when he was just weeks old. He knew so he changed our lives so I could have what I wanted, what I needed though we didn't know it at the time.

It started one year ago. Our lease was running out and we had gone through the process of trying to get a loan to buy a house. We were approved for a certain amount, found the house, placed a bid and were waiting to hear if it was accepted. Meanwhile, Colby was coming home for a visit and we were headed up to Pine for the 4th of July weekend. I had taken Friday off work and would be coming home early to go back to work on Monday. While I was loading up the car, I took a nasty fall in the garage. My bum hurt but I thought I was ok until I started cramping (I would have been about 7 months prego at this point) so we went to labor and delivery as a precautionary. Everything checked out fine with the baby but I was on "pelvic rest" because I had bruised my tailbone and pelvis in the fall. The weight of the baby is apparently what caused the bruising and MAN, did that hurt! I couldn't hardly stand to be upright-if you can imagine pushing on a fresh bruise, you can start to imagine the pain of having a baby pushing on bruised bones. Long story short, I was off work for 2 weeks while on bedrest. I had not been at my job for a year at this point (would've been qualified in August) so I was considered to be on "personal leave" and they couldn't "guarantee" my job back but was told not to worry about it. Who would lay off a pregnant woman returning from bedrest right? HA! I had a weird vibe when I returned to work and I knew something wasn't right. I called Chris and told him I was pretty sure I was getting laid off but he said I was just paranoid..well, I wasn't being paranoid and I no longer had a job. Now I was faced with trying to find a job-very pregnant. Who was going to hire me? I know they can't discriminate but there was no way I would be hired. By the time I was out of training, I would be on maternity leave. Then we were faced with another dilemma. Braedon was not going to be able to start Kindergarten since he was born in September and would've had to be 5 by August 31. We had him tested but they basically wanted him to know everything he would've learned in Kindergarten so now we were facing daycare costs for 2 kids. We calculated it out and I would be basically working to pay the daycare bill if I wasn't making over $50k-with no degree.

While I was on leave, we closed on the house-Thank God! They sent papers over to both of our employers to verify employment one last time before we closed and since I was still "technically" employed, we closed but now we were faced with paying a mortgage when we had just lost 50% of our income. We somehow managed and now, it has been 1 year that I have been home with my boys.

I have loved being home with them, taking them to storytime and to the park and kidsclub and all the things I couldn't do while I was working. I had always told Chris that if I could stay home with our kids, I wouldn't complain, I would have dinner made every night when he got home, I would do all the housework, etc. I would be super mom and wife. Boy was I wrong! Going to work might actually be easier. I would miss them terribly but staying home is a lot of work. I am lucky if I can manage a shower every day. I also miss the adult interacation and I as much as I love them, I feel like I am never away from them. Chris comes home from work and I look forward to that time all day because I can actually have a conversation with someone other than a 9mo old baby or a 5 year old but he's tired and wants to relax when he gets home. And before I know it, it's bath time and bed time for all of us and then we start all over again. The weekends just fly by and before I know it, it's just us again. Some days (like today) I start to feel down and long to go back to work. There are plenty of mom's that are working mom's and manage their family just fine. They don't love their kids any less because they work outside the home. Problem being, we are still in the same situation...2 kids in daycare. However, Braedon starts school in a month so realistically, it would just be Cohen.

Financially, we would be in a much better position. We are barely making it as it is especially now that I have used all my unemployment benefits. Chris is working as much overtime as he is allowed leaving little time for us and we still are struggling. So, financially, it would be a very wise decision for me to return to work but would I be happy?? Maybe..maybe for a few weeks, months even. Now that I've stayed home with them, would I have a different take on the whole situation? Did I long to stay home with Braedon for so long because I didn't know what it was like, how hard it is? Would I be able to remind myself how hard it was on those days I can't stand dropping Cohen off at daycare when he just wants to be home with me? If I were to get a job, I would still need to be home in time to pick up Braedon from school and couldn't go in until after he went to school. Before and after school care isn't a lot but it's enough to still put that strain on how much income would make it all worth it. I'm sure these thoughts are just the same thoughts I have when I'm having one of those days but maybe it's because Amy went back to work. I never thought I would be able to do it but I see it from another stand point when it's your best friend. She feels the same way I do. She loves her girls but she also missed work, her friends, adult conversation and some time away from being a Mommy. I know she misses them while she's at work as would I but would it really be that bad?

So this turned out to be way longer than I anticipated. I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow in a better mood, appreciating the fact that I can stay home with my boys. The grass is always greener on the other side, right?